Football season is upon us once again. This Saturday the vast majority of college football teams will be starting their 2019 season with one goal on their mind. To win the national championship? No, don’t be silly. No, the vast majority of teams have one goal. To be just mediocre enough to be invited to spend part of their holiday break playing in a quarter-filled stadium in a game being televised on some version of ESPN while their athletic department turns a profit on it. If that doesn’t get you excited for football season, then you must be Andrew Luck.
And now on to the “Annual Complete PR Annual Football Predictions That Are Done Annually by the Complete PR Staff.”
John’s Guileless Guesses
5. If (and when) Alabama and Clemson meet up in the playoffs for the fifth consecutive season, it will be more exciting than Halloween 5: The Curse of Michael Myers, but not as a good as Friday the 13th Part Five: A New Beginning.
4. Penn State’s uniforms will still be bland as hell.
3. Meanwhile, Oregon will unveil a uniform color unseen on the visible spectrum.
2. In a twist that will have no national title implications, each team’s grade point averages will be made public.
1. That shirtless Florida State professor (Bruce Thyer) pictured reading a book in the end zone will have his own reality show.
Anna’s Abstract Assumptions
5. At least three hundred basic white girls (that know jack squat about football) will use every game as an opportunity to post an Instagram photo of themselves wearing a cute outfit, captioned “get up, it’s Game Day.” Sweetie, please stop, I promise Brad from Kappa Sig cares more about the end score than your matching orange sweater-skirt combo.
4. Loosely related to number 5, White Claw sales will skyrocket.
3. USC fans will slowly start transitioning into Clemson fans, claiming they were secretly a supporter the whole time.
2. Tua Tagovalioa’s last name is going to be butchered. Like, a lot.
1. I am still not going to know a single relevant thing about college football this time next year.
Ariel’s Aimless Acknowledgements
5. The entire fashion-forward sweater/boots/infinity scarves wardrobe you bought at your favorite boutique to rep YOUR TEAM will get zero use if you’re in the SEC or southern half of the ACC. Despite its being God’s Country, it’s too damn hot. Accept it.
4. Buckeye fans will continue to be the most annoying.
3. The unsportsmanlike conduct rule that prohibits “Going into the stands to interact with spectators, or bowing at the waist after a good play” will be amended with the addition of “bowing or curtsying” because it is 2019 afterall.
2. Taking a shot at every commentator mention of an obscure 5-step statistic (Smith is the first player on his mom’s side to run 500 yards in one game after undergoing a colonoscopy on a Tuesday) will prove lethal.
1. Yelling at the TV will still do absolutely nothing to affect the game’s outcome but will definitely get you uninvited from at least one obligatory social engagement.
Predictions You Can Take to the Bank
5. The Clemson-Carolina will be played in Columbia this year.
4. Every team starts the season tied for first place in their respective conferences. That won’t be how they finish.
3. Teams playing at home will win about 60 percent of their games this year.
2. Someone will hold up a sign with a curse word/misspelling during College Game Day and people will screen shot it and share it on social media as if it was never done before. #truestory
1. It’s only a game.