There is something about the Christmas season that brings out the worst in music. Yes, we are talking about Christmas music. While there are some really great classics (anything by Andy Williams is gold), there is a lot of what the French would call dreck. And some dreck is worse than others. Here are our least favorite Christmas songs. Mind you these aren’t the worst of all time. These are the ones we hate.
- The Christmas Shoes. According to our Sarah Moore, who hates all the sad ones. “It’s Christmas. No one wants to cry.” If you are unfamiliar with this “classic.” The singer narrates a story of how a poor boy in line in front of him on Christmas is trying to buy pretty shoes for his momma so she looks good for Jesus. Patton Oswalt, who doesn’t work for us, but he is welcome to apply, says this about the song. We agree with Mr. Oswalt.
- John Mellencamp’s I Saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. This is one of the creepier Christmas songs of all times, but Mellencamp, who we generally like as an artist, really sinks this to an entire new level. The faux country, fiddle heavy intro is one thing. The child singing leads at the end is another. But the video, if you watched it, is just beyond terrible. Sorry, to all Hoosier friends, but this is just bad. However, the Jackson 5 version is just unintentionally funny to us.
- Bryan Adams’ version of Run, Run Rudolph. We refuse to link to this because it is an abomination that takes one minute off the legacy of Chuck Berry every time it is played. True story.
- We are going to our guest picker, Dr. Demento, for the next one. He listed his five worst for Billboard Magazine, but the one that jumped out is The Chipmunks’ Christmas song. As Dr. D, explains, “why is it on this list? Because it was the first Christmas hit that’s only about the presents. I want this, I want that. Nothing about giving or anything else we love about Christmas. Just greed, pure and simple. It doesn’t even mention Santa Claus, for crying out loud!” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
- We also learned that idea of picking the worst songs is not that original. AlJazeera even has a list. And no we aren’t linking to it.
- Finally, Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is just terrible in that full-on early 90s Mariah Carey mode. All apologies to Prince in advance, but that is what it sounds like when doves get run over by a steamroller.
Well, that is all we have. What do you detest?