With the college football season starting in full swing this season, Complete PR decided to give you a handy guide for understanding the upcoming season. However, since we couldn’t agree as to what will happen this year, we broke our predictions down by each member of the team.
Anna’s Wild Predictions
- Trevor Lawrence will quit football altogether after merciless Twitter trolls bully him about his striking resemblance to the Easter Island heads.
- Urban Meyer will deny repeatedly to having any knowledge of his team’s 31-0 loss to Clemson in the 2016 Fiesta Bowl.
- Nick Saban will wrap himself in a silk cocoon and hibernate, emerging like a beautiful butterfly at the end of football season because let’s face it, Alabama is going to dominate regardless of what he does.
- Furman football players will arrive to Death Valley in a fleet of 36 purple hearses.
- The ghost of Williams-Brice stadium will ride onto the field in a phantom horse-drawn chariot and encourage USC fans to throw empty Natty Light cans at the other team.
Emily’s Cajun Style Predictions
- Jake Fromm drops out of UGA to sell State Farm Insurance.
- UCF proclaims themselves National Champions after successfully tying shoes in season opener.
- Florida Atlantic Head Coach, Lane Kiffin, gets drafted to NFL after one handed catch video from last season goes viral.
- Miami’s “Turnover Chain” missing. Some say they saw a model wearing it during New York City’s fashion week.
- College GameDay’s, Lee Corso, officially gets mascots their own pregame show.
Kaitlyn’s Super-Duper Predictions
- Couch sales projected to rise as West Virginia takes on Tennessee.
- Nick Saban takes personal day after Little Debbie announces discontinuation of Oatmeal Cream Pie snacks.
- “We thought his presence would boost morale”: Florida/ Charleston Southern game cancelled after live alligator wreaks havoc on sidelines.
- Furman narrowly defeats Clemson in double overtime thriller. Fans declare Dabo Swinney modern-day philosopher after inspirational postgame press conference.
- Mike Leach announces campaign for presidency in 2020.
John’s Fearless Predictions
- Someone will win the Heisman. This trophy goes to the player considered the best player in all off college football. We guarantee someone will win it this year. However, we predict you won’t know who until December.
- Penn State’s uniforms will be drab. They are blue and white. No logos. No names.
- Oregon’s uniforms will remain gaudy. These uniforms will consist of green, brighter green, neon green, yellow, puke yellow, neon yellow, black, blacker black and neon black. You know, the natural colors of ducks.
- Someone will get drunk tail gaiting at a Clemson game. This is a gimme. Heck, take the odds.
- College football still is more entertaining than American soccer.
- The Florida Gators vie for the national title after finding an unknown walk-on quarterback named Slim Rebow, who looks a lot like former Heisman winner Tim Tebow, but with a giant handlebar mustache.
- Dabo Swinney quits coaching mid-season to take up hemp farming. Danny Ford will still do that with more panache.
- A Division II program will be placed on probation because of something a Power Five team did.
- In light of Rebow’s success, Georgia finds a running back named Walker Herschel, who will run for 200 yards in his first game and then take up hang gliding.
- A Pac-12 team will not win the national title.